


Me Without You

by Ktspree13



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Choose Your Own Ending, Explanations, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Magical Inheritance, Mutually Unrequited, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sibling Incest, Sibling Love, Unrequited Love, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-17 01:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21046355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ktspree13/pseuds/Ktspree13
Summary: Thor receives an unwanted gift from his brother and in it, a letter he probably never meant for Thor to read.This piece was written for the thorki At Dawn zine.  The theme for the zine was renewal, rebirth, and reconciliation.





	Me Without You

Thor sniffed the spicy scent in the air, trailing his fingers along the hard stone wall as he tracked the smell to its origin. It smelled like home, well, what used to be home, and when he came to stand in front of Loki’s personal wing in New Asgard’s palace, he stumbled back in shock. It had been built specifically for his brother, despite the protests against it. It was funny what a few years would do to a man. Back then, he’d had hope that Loki would return to him. And now, as he clenched his fists tightly, he could hardly believe his eyes as he stared at the rooms that had been empty that morning. He’d finally relented and held a funeral for Asgard’s fallen prince. The moment Thor had drunk the funeral ale for his brother, he’d felt something release into the air. A scent of home that lingered, like warm apples and cardamom. A warmth from a realm that no longer existed. And he’d followed it all the way to Loki’s rooms.

They were filled to the brim with his brother’s things—books and furnishings, weapons, clothing, family jewels, an entire bushel of Idunn’s apples—things Loki had prized above all and had kept secreted away in his own inter-dimensional pockets. Thor unstrapped Stormbreaker from his back and swung the massive axe against the column between the two doors to the rooms. The heavy metal twang reverberated throughout the palace, stone crumbling and causing dust to spring up. His inheritance… That’s what this was. His stomach churned at the thought. It felt like Loki could walk out of these rooms at any moment and instead, they were simply filled with the items Loki had gifted Thor upon his death. As per custom, he had only received them after the funeral ale was drunk.

When he heard music floating from the inside of Loki’s rooms, Thor turned to the side and threw up the contents of the feast he’s just left. He wasn’t meant to do this alone. Lead their people by himself. Rebuild without Loki at his side. Move on. Find someone else to love. It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

Thor wiped the bile from his mouth as he turned again to face the suddenly cluttered space in front of him. He should be grateful; Loki had saved a lot from Asgard. But it was all tainted by the knowledge that he only had those items because Loki was dead. Passed on, hopefully, to Valhalla. He left Stormbreaker embedded in the stone and steeled himself as he walked inside for the first time since he had the rooms built.

“Loki!” Thor called. He needed a drink. Something to get the acrid taste out of his mouth as he stumbled inside. He didn’t care how old it was, he was pouring himself a glass of the strange green liquid. He swallowed down the sweet tasting drink before deciding he’d give himself one last hope before he’d squash it forever. The harp played on its own inside the room, a gift their mother had given to Loki when he was young to help lull him to sleep. Thor had always wanted one of his own, but the music didn’t soothe him the way it did Loki, so he’d made do without one. 

“Loki, please,” Thor whispered, resting a hand on a stack of books, all of them old looking and probably boring. Several minutes passed in silence before Thor threw the books to the ground, kicking a table over in the process. That was it. Loki was really and truly gone. 

***

His heart beat erratically as his stomach flipped. He couldn’t be here, not now, when Loki wasn’t here to stop him from looking around. As he turned to leave a book caught his eye. It was shiny, thin, Midgardian, unusual for Loki to own, let alone keep. Thor picked it up, noting the title was about a monster being at the end of the book—less unusual for Loki to own. As he flipped through the pages, he chuckled at the insistence of the blue furry thing to close the book at once and not go to the end. It made him curious as to what kind of monster the Midgardians would come up with. The tenacity of the blue character was funny.

But the ending didn’t have him laughing, as he’d thought. No, he was crying as a heavy parchment fell from the back, for the message was so like Loki. He wondered if his brother had taken comfort in the little children’s book, for, truly, his brother was no monster, and certainly not one to be scared of. He could hear his exasperated voice in his ear: _“How many times did I tell you, Thor? There’s nothing to be afraid of.” _And he’d blush and cross his arms and look away, still chastising Thor for something that he was never even scared of in the first place. He sniffed and rubbed his eyes, placing the book back where he’d found it before bending over to reach the paper that had fallen. It was several pages of Loki’s best parchment, and only one small bit of it had little seidr notes scribbled on it. As he opened the pages up, he found the need to sit, for inside contained a letter to him clearly written by Loki.

He fell heavily into a wooden, straight-backed chair, unfolding the pages carefully as his brow began to sweat.
    
    
      Thor,
    	<strike>If you’re reading this, one of us has clearly made a huge mistake.</strike> <strike>Can you believe I fooled you again?</strike> <strike>You truly are an oaf if you believe I’m truly dead this time.</strike>
    	I’m sorry.
    

Thor had to laugh at that. Loki really had never been good at apologizing, and he was probably exasperated by year one that Thor hadn’t figured out his ruse as Odin. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, wiping his brow as he continued on.
    
    
    	I needed time, but it wasn’t right of me to keep you in the dark for so long, brother. I never told you, but <strike>when I fell from the Bifrost </strike>...when I fell from the Bifrost, 
    
    	I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s been three years since you left me on Svartalfheim. Three years since I sent Father to Midgard. What do you want from me? Surely you can feel Father with you on that ridiculous realm. Surely you know I live, by now. So why have you not returned to me? Have you really fallen in love with that <strike>tramp</strike> <strike>whore</strike> short human?
    
    	I listen to you talk to me at night, sometimes. When she’s asleep and you’re still wide awake. I can assure you, I’m not worth as much heartache as you put yourself through. I needed time to heal. That’s the <strike>only </strike>mainreason I did not come to you, <strike>I promise, big brother</strike>. There is a being out there who goes by the name of Thanos, and while I wish more than anything that you two never meet, I also very much doubt that will be the case. He brings death, and a desire to wipe out half the universe. Thus, when there is peril, there shall you be, right in the center of it all. Do not underestimate him, brother.
    
    	It’s been three years now, and I finally feel I am home. It’s a strange feeling, after being out of my mind for so long, I cannot begin to describe. And since you will never read this letter, I don’t have to try. That <strike>pompous pustule</strike>  <strike>overly-confident gasbag</strike>  <strike>purple asshole</strike>  <strike>fucking cunt</strike>  tyrant will get inside your head, brother, <strike>if you’re not careful,</strike> and simply break all the good parts about you. <strike>Refashion you to be whatever he wants.</strike> And—
    
    	Do you remember the second year of the fertility festival? When I first told you I loved you as more than my brother? I mean, we were young...you probably don’t remember. And then I got nervous and scared, so I made fun of you when you said it back. I was so scared, Thor. Worried about what everyone would think. That once you reciprocated, everyone would be able to tell, just by looking at me, that I was...that you and I were...together. Like some kind of brand on my forehead. I wish I’d told you that, and I wish I’d never made fun of you for your words. Maybe things would have gone differently. Maybe not...
    
    	How can you be with that ridiculous woman? That mousy little quagmire! Can’t you see her love isn’t for you? Can’t you— 
    
    	Whatever...whatever...I can’t believe I’m still writing this. I miss you, you know. Maybe not quite like you miss me, <strike>seeing as you think I’m dead and all</strike>. I’m sorry. I wish you were home, brother-mine. It’s strange play-acting as Odin. I had to build a huge fucking statue of myself just to remember who I am. Which is a pretty stupid reason to build a statue. But the ones I had done for Mother came out nicely. You might be just a little proud of the things I’ve started for our own people. Then again, maybe not. I did trick you again, after all. But really, you didn’t want this hassle. So, I suppose, if anything, you should be thanking me. Taking the burden away...your birthright. Would you have wanted it if you thought I lived? Would you have wanted me?
    
    	I think about it sometimes, lying in bed, just before donning Odin’s face for the day. I imagine you here with me, sharing my bed, wrapped around me soft and warm and utterly safe. And then I think about that horrid woman and that controlling twat and storm out of bed far angrier than I’d been upon waking. WHY are you not here? <strike>What does she </strike>
    
    	I suppose I should admit that it was perhaps wrong to fake my death. Though, that was not my intent. I think I really was dying, truth be told. If you can believe the god of lies capable of the truth. And then I wake up nearly choking to death on sand. Thank you for that… Not even a grave to mark where I fell. Do you know what that’s like? Do you know what it feels like to fall for an eternity, only to be plucked out of that never-ending drop by some delusional psychopath, then to come to your senses and have Earth’s mightiest pointing weapons in your face. To let yourself be incarcerated because you were too prideful to admit you were weak. A failure, really, unable to hold your ground like you were taught. And it’s so BLOODY DISORIENTING! How could you not tell there was something different about me? How could you? <strike>not try</strike> <strike>to reason with Odin about everything that happened?</strike> <strike>Did you not consider I was </strike>
    
    	I felt you deserved it, really, deserved to feel the pain of my death. And now I’m just tired. Tired of being Odin. Tired of being without you. Tired of making decisions for the good of others and not sleeping in my own chambers and not getting to study as I wish and… Honestly, why did I even listen to that daft woman about writing you a stupid letter I never intend for you to see? Is this really supposed to make me feel better? Why not just strike a match and watch things burn? <strike>Maybe it would be more satisfying. </strike>
    
    	I just…
    
    I still love you, Thor. And I know none of this really makes any sense. And I know you’re still my brother…
    
    I still love you. And I want to wake up, every day, staring into your dumb, stupid, beautifully golden face. And I want you to kiss me as we wake and tell me there was never such a one you loved as much as you loved me, and no matter how bad things got, you’d understand…..that I’m me and I am chaos and I may be selfish and self-serving, but I’d never not love you, even as I hated you. Because...because
    
    
    
     
    
    
    
    
    
    _There is no me without you._

The letter broke off suddenly, and Thor scanned the rest of the page, wondering if he’d continued on in some kind of invisible ink. There wasn’t even an ending or a signature. No goodbye, no salutation. What kind of letter did that? Thor ran a hand down his face. Probably the kind Loki would write, and then the pages would burst into flames, because he could never allow any proof of their existence to remain. He put the parchment down and sagged back into the hard, unforgiving chair. He knew. Or he thought he’d known, just how deep Loki’s feelings ran. But it was quite another to read them written out to him.

He wished more than anything that Loki had actually sent this to him during their estrangement. Or said something aboard The Statesman. Or just...not been so damn cryptic before he attempted to stab that purple monster with that tiny little dagger. He sat and laughed and wept at the ridiculousness of it all, surrounded by the scent of apples and parchment. And it was a good many minutes before he felt any need to stop.

“No, Loki, I didn’t love Jane. Not like you. Never like you. There’s nothing she had that you didn’t...or couldn’t have crafted as your own, if you really feel like quibbling about it.” He sniffed and wiped his nose, feeling more tears wet his face. “I couldn’t come home, really. I couldn’t be in Asgard when you weren’t there. I couldn’t see all our special places and experience all those memories without you. I would have drowned the realm and torn it apart.” He picked the thin children’s book back up again, clutching it in his hands like a precious artifact. “Oh, my little brother. I was supposed to protect you, not the other way around.” He could hear his teardrops landing on the cover. “I wish I’d been brave enough to tell you how I loved you while you were still alive. Because you deserved that, brother, to be loved.” Thor chuckled. “I deserved that…” He wiped at his eyes before combing his hands through his hair. “We should have had so much more time. You should still be alive. And I swear, if you’re faking this again, I...well, I don’t know what, but I won’t appreciate it. Norns, Loki...just....come back to me. Stop this ridiculousness and be alive.” He threw the book back down on top of the ones he’d knocked over earlier, a high pitched thwap hitting his ears, and stood up. “You think after all I’d done for this world, I’d deserve it. You.”

A crash sounded in another room, as metal and cups and who knows what else fell to the floor. “LOKI?!” Thor shouted, stalking over towards the noise. Maybe he’d spoken too soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much to the people who helped beta this fic for me! Saltandlimes, Cassie, Tatiana. You're all amazing! This piece would not have been the same without your help. <3
> 
> Also, yes, I am evil enough to write a "choose your own ending" fic. :P


End file.
